This just in from Harrahs and Forest City:
You hockey guys are always looking for ways to poke holes in the wonderful benevolence that is Harrahs and Forest City. What this "traffic engineer" or whatever doesn't
know, indeed couldn't
know because he's just another misinformed boob relying on "facts" instead of Harrahs 1000% accurate and honest projections, is that part of Harrahs super-secret double-probation casino bid involves inventing flying cars. It's so simple, so powerful, and so dynamic. Will Isle of Capri invent flying cars? No, my friends, they won't. Is it because they secretly hate Pittsburgh? Maybe, but we can't speculate about such things.
Anyway, after the flying cars are invented, which our completely ethical and reliable projections say will be approximately 3 days after the casino license is awarded, Harrahs and Forest City will give brand new flying cars to every single person in the tri-state area. Since the Station Square casino is conservatively and accurately projected to bring in $750 trillion in revenue every single month, providing a free new flying car for everybody will be a piece of cake. Is Isle of Capri giving you a car? Hell no. Some might say it's because they hold all of you in contempt and would just as soon hit the City of Pittsburgh with a tactical nuclear weapon as build a casino there, but that's all idle speculation.
Oh, and all the cars will be powered by sheer goodwill, the kind of goodwil that can only be generated by the greatest resort destination in the world, drawing over 423 billion tourists to Pittsburgh each and every fiscal quarter. We have projections on that. The goodwill these cars run on not only doesn't pollute, it actually cleans current pollution out of the air as the car operates
. Isle of Capri isn't doing anything about air pollution, is it? Maybe they like it when your kids get asthma, maybe it nourishes them to watch small children suffer. But we don't want to get into name-calling here.
Franco Harris will personally valet all casino patrons' flying cars on the moon, and then will go get them for you after you've had another wonderfully opulent night sitting in front of a slot machine pulling a handle (although why you'd ever want to get your car back and leave this Eden is beyond us). Franco will then tongue-wash your car to its original shine before you get your keys back. Can Isle of Capri offer this? No. We had to give Franco an extra $145 per year to tongue-wash cars, but we were willing to go that extra mile to serve you better.
In conclusion, I hope that the work of our completely fair and honest projectors has shown you how Harrahs and Forest City is the only smart choice for Pittsburgh.