Wrestle Revolution (5/30/12)

[Twisted Wrister]

(Sean Styles, in his limo after the Morkle run in)

Morkie, do you mind if I call you Morkie? Or is Eddie Munson better? You know you remind me of that kid back in high school pushing the TV down the hall. The one with all the acne and that horrible lisp. You know, the one that no one liked and always was the butt of the joke. Your security detail didn't do much to help you win huh? The Bridge and Zontal worked together? Man, that was some detective work there. HA. Never fear Morkie, maybe I did get in the way of you. But, maybe, just maybe, it was you who was in the way of me.

(Styles takes off his $300 sunglasses)

See Morkie, I know what its like to be looked up to. To be what you wanna be. I mean really, who doesn't want to be Sean Styles. I have the looks, I have the ladies, I have the money, I have EVERYTHING you want. If you want to be like me, just ask. I'm a nice guy, I could protect you from the big, bad wrestlers. I always wanted a lil brosph. But you NEED to get out of my way on my road to the top. There's only room for one of us up there and it surely isn't going to be you. Now Morkie, I'm gonna go hit the gym and hit on some hot girls. If you want a piece of the "Too Sexy" come and get it.

[redwill]

{The press conference is rowdy.}

Yes. YES!

The victory of The Bridge is certainly an astronomical anomaly. I have calculated that there is a 1 in 10173720 chance that this was a legitimate win.

A joke.

The commissioner is clearly biased toward that soft, amoeba-like so-called man.

The commissioner has shown his colors.

The Bridge? Ha! The Rainbow Bridge, more like.

But I'll tempt him. I'll tempt you all.

I will show you all what it is to be a star in the firmament.

I will show you all that Stargazer has to give.


{Stargazer astonishes the crowd as he stands for all to see.}


I hereby decree that from where the sun now stands, I will fight only in the nude, forever. Or at least until I dethrone the unscientific specimen that currently stands awkwardly astride the LGPWF world ... that pile of compost that you reptiles call a man. I will challenge your minds. I will overwhelm your senses. I will satisfy all of your desires.

From the neck down, I will expose myself as I expose the hypocrisy of the commissioner.

The Bridge is the alleged champion. A pseudo-man. But he is only a pawn. A girly-pawn. The commissioner is the enemy.

Look to the stars!

I got your stars right here, ladies.

[Malkamaniac]

[Morkle Munson sitting at a computer watching Sean Style's promo on LGPWFTube]

Ah, the grand old I'm THE MAN look at me with all the ladies talk. Well Sean Styles, there's no need to lie about your past, friend. I've got an advanced degree in 4chan-o-nomics and after some pretty easy digging I found your high school yearbook picture.

Spoiler:

So be honest Styles, at what age did your parents pay for all of your reconstructive surgeries because they were so embarrassed of you? Are you even sure the fans will want you as the champ now that it's known you're a fake? This is why The Firm is here. This LGPWF needs cleansed from fakers like you. So LGPWF Commish, what say you make a match between Sean "my plastic surgeon gave me a bad nose job" Styles and I?

[redwill]

I spy with my little telescopic eye ... that there's a conspiracy going on. Something's amiss with the commissioner and his affection for The Rainbow Bridge.

But there's more ... He's obviously shielding The Ayatollah. He didn't want The Ayatollah to fight and possibly lose. It's so clear! The commissioner is Taliban in sheep's clothing! The commissioner is sheep in Taliban's clothing! Heck, the commissioner is VERY OBVIOUSLY just clothing himself IN SHEEP!

We must break this perverted hold on LGPWF! We must break this twisted twist on mutton!

We must destroy the commissioner.

I call upon those who oppose oppression!

I call upon those who stiffen with rage at stifling dogma!

I call upon those who have the power to make a change!


OH! But how can we fight the commissioner?


By fighting those he loves.


The Rainbow Bridge.

The Ayatollah.


Who will join me in a battle against the Enemy?

WHO?

Or will Stargazer battle the heavens on his own?

As he has always done.

Rainbow Bridge is suspended in her expected glory. She knew she would get some pathetic love and is happy with the flaccid results.

The Ayatollah is the one for the all-seeing, ant-burning lens of science to target.

Come at me, Ayatollah! There's no burqa on me! I am clothed in the righteousness of science! I have seen the breadth and depth of the universe! In my nakedness, I will rip off your shroud!

Will any join me?

(You can keep your clothes on, if you must.)

[Froggy]

{johnny zontal is walking outside by a pond in a nicely maintained public park, he has a stepford smile on his face}
You know... now that I've had a litte time to really stop and think about my actions in and out of the ring earlier this week, i realized that i may have gotten a little carried away. That's why I'm here today {inhales deeply}aaaah.. breathing the fresh country air, and just really getting back to what really matters, you know? I don't want to hurt the Bridge... or Morkle... or the Commissioner... or anyone else for that matter. I think the appropriate thing to do, would have been to thank the LGPWF for the opportunity, and congratulate the champ on a hard fought victory. {crouches down, and picks up a small rock, and skips it across the pond} 5 times... yeah! did you see that? wow.

You see, i had a lot of time to think in these last few days. no one has really wanted to spend any time with me after my embarrassing outburst after the match last wednesday. It's funny how threatening to cripple people while being covered in blood and cake tends to make people a bit... apprehensive. but i'm still me... the same johnny z who hijacked a moonbounce. that was fun, right? still the same guy. the same... guy... {the phony smile fades...}

the same guy... who... COULDN'T... GET... THE... JOB... DONE... {picks up a handful of larger rocks and flings them hard into the water, making bigger splashes as he goes} oh, those ones didn't skip so good, did they. Look, I was being honest before. i was telling the truth when i said i didn't want to hurt anyone. It's not a desire... it's a need. that country air wasn't nearly as refreshing as that jolt of pain that shoots up my leg when i kick someone in the head. the sound of these birds chirping? that is nothing compared to the cries of pain from my beaten opponents. and the feeling i get when i skip a stone... even if i skip it five times... is nothing compared to the rush i get when i lift the beaten body of my opponent up, and put him HORIZONTAL.

So, why am i really out here? What is my true purpose? I'll tell you... i thought it was funny. just like i thought it was funny when i smashed sean styles' face open, and messed up his good looks a little bit. just like i thought it was funny seeing the look on munson's face as he hit the floor. and funny... just like when the Bridge beat me. The only problem is, he doesn't really get the joke yet. you see, it's funny because he has nowhere to go but down, and he has a very dangerous and unstable man nipping at his heels. It's funny, because he thinks he's better than me. and that's the biggest joke of them all. next time... wherever... whenever... i will be the winner... i will be the only one able to walk out on my own power... and i will HAVE THE LAST LAUGH.

[columbia]

Mr. Multiverse approaches the mic at the center of squared circle:

There's been a lot of talk....

<hushes crowd>

There's been a lot of talk.... about a new regime. A new a federation and I am here to tell you that all of you have been lucky to witness this. Even you scumbags who came up from the Wheeling Civic Center, who won't quiet down and to be able to understand my genius.

But I'm here to tell you that this is the greatest wrestling endeavor ever. Nothing can match the integrity and intensity of you8 have seen and are about to see. Sure, the WWE likes to think that they it all, but you - the greatest fans on earth , who still hear what needs to be said. - well. you understand me.

Some of you might be new this, but the my presence is not. All of the greatness that before this night has been my doing. Every trainer. Every ref. Every fan owes themselves to me.

Of course, as the keeper of greatness, I only select the most elite wrestlers to be a part of my cosmos.
You've seen a lot so far, but it's clear that there is only one wrestler that transcends all notions of excellence.

<crowd mutters while the beer is close to running out>

There's been a lot of talk, but I only select one future champion at a time.

It WILL be Starman.

[Corvidae]

Obi-Gyn Kenobi stands in a men's restroom washing his has. He just took a monster size Carrie Fisher and stares endlessly at his own reflection. He becomes doubtful and depressed.

Spoiler:

Am I really a Jedi? Am I even a urologist? Sure, I have a degree from the University of Phoenix and a plethora of urethra based maneuvers, but what good is it all if I'm not the LGPWF Champion?

He turns around and waves his hand at the paper towel dispense.

You will give me a paper towel.



...it does nothing.

You will give me a paper towel!



...nothing still.

He sighs, tries to dry his hands with the little sliver left over from the last gentleman, but eventually wipes his hands on the back of his robe, hangs his head, and walks out.

He walks back in quickly and streaks a booger on one of the staal doors (as is customary in every men's room in all galaxies since the beginning of time). He walks out once more and a few seconds later, a paper towel dispenses from the machine. If only he knew...

[Sam's Drunk Dog]

Looking forward to the show tonight.

[redwill]

You shouldn't be.


Look to the stars! Yes! ...

... Reach for the stars ... and you will fall.