[Pyros flare and Pantera’s “Walk” thunders from the Consol Energy Center’s PA system as a packed house cheers at what will mark the beginning of the new era of internet wrestling, the LetsGoPensWrestlingFederation.]
Jim Ross: Hello, everybody and welcome to the first show of what looks like will be an epic adventure. Here with me is the King, Jerry Lawler, and we are coming to you live from the Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Jerry Lawler: Alright, alright. Before any of you at home get too excited, were gonna have a speech from our esteemed commissioner, Canaan. So just shut up and listen.
[The arena lights rise as the Pantera theme comes to a conclusion. The commissioner comes out past the LGPWF-tron and signals to the crowd that he wants to speak]
Canaan: Alright, you pukes. Just shut up and listen to what I have to say.
[The crowd hisses immediately]
Canaan: You already paid admission so who cares how you feel? Just buy the $6.00 popcorn and shut your yaps.
[A pontificating pause as the crowd begins to boil]
Canaan: We are here to provide you with top notch wrestling—the sport, not the sports entertainment. As doing so, we like to throw a curveball from time to time. So, in saying that, tonight’s contestants will not only be involved with a Royal Rumble-style match, we have decided to kick it up one notch higher.
[The crowd’s boos turn to cheers]
Canaan; (scoffs) Oh, now you like me? Get bent. (pause) Like I was saying, tonight’s event will be a Royal Rumble affair, but we’ve made some ….how you say, “alterations”
[Canaan walks off laughing as the lights dim again. The center area above the ring begins to shine a bright red light as a door opens. From this door, a mangled-weave of barb wire jut outs like some macabre adaptation of a shape that resembles Disney’s Epcot ball. The web of welded chain, barb wire, and weaponry sends a hush over the crowd. As it lowers to encase the ring, the cacophony of cheers bellow. A small, 6’ by 4’ opening in the lower corner is the only way to get in or out. The 9 feet of space between the ring edge and the cage beginning.]
Jim Ross: MY GAW. MY GAW. THAT SON OF A B**** HAS DONE IT THIS TIME. HE CANT EXPECT THESE MEN TO FIGHT IN SUCH CONDITIONS??!
Jerry Lawler: HA! HA! I LOVE IT! THIS CANAAN IS A GENIUS! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!
Jim Ross: How are they even gonna fight in this hornet’s nest with the fear of getting stung by that barbed wire. WHAT A SICK SON OF A …
[Jim’s microphone cuts off]
[The LGPWF cuts to a video, with what looks to be a dark figure sitting on a stool in the middle of an abandoned warehouse.]
Unknown Figure: I find it comical that this show will crown the first LGPWF champion. Someone winning the championship out of these buffoons is like winning the prettiest girl in Pittsburgh contest....not much competition. Canaan may think that he has kept me out of his little play group, and he has for the time being, but let it be known that I guarantee that I will be seen in the LGPWF, and when I arrive, the fun is over for everyone.
My name is Dom Olney. Some refer to me as "The Bully". That's not meant to be a cute play on words of the Broad Street Bullies. I earned that name. I hail from the Devil's Pocket area of South Philly. Why was it called the Devil's Pocket? Because back in the day, the priest from the local church said that all of us kids living there were so horrible that we'd steal the wallet right out of the devil's pocket. Trust me, I would. There are more pressing things for me to take right now, though. I'm going to take the LGPWF by storm. I'm going to take Canaan's pride. Last but not least, I'm going to take what should already be mine, the LGPWF championship.
[Olney throws an empty bottle against the wall and walks away. Bro Hymn plays in the background.]
Jerry Lawler: Who the heck was that?
Jim Ross: I dunno, but I like the kid—a friend of my enemy is my friend. The closer it gets to having him here, the better we all are.