Jim Ross: Hello Everybody and welcome to a packed Wells Fargo center here in South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where we are coming to you LIVE for a special presentation of MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN.
Jerry Lawler: JR, we have a condensed, but event-filled agenda for tonight’s show so lets not waste any time listening to you yabble on about BBQ sauce and Sooner football, lets get to a special announcement relating to what happened with The Ayatollah not making it to the Wrestle Revolution.
[A large image of the waving Stars and Stripes comes onto the LGPWFtron, and the silhouette of a tall, well-built man appears, standing at full military salute. To the Colors begins to play. The man steps forward, into the spotlight. He's proudly wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, and he is still sporting a military-style crew cut. Pulling a mic from his inner pocket]
Unkown: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the LGPWF...forgive me for interrupting so rudely. My name is Ronaldus Magnus, and I feel that I have some explaining to do. As you all know, the Ayatollah...
[The crowd roars with a thunderous “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The "Magnus" character smiles, and seems to acknowledge the crowd's sentiment. Politely holding a hand up, he continues]
Magnus: As you all know, the Ayatollah was unable to make his scheduled appearance at Wrestle Revolution. While I'm sure there are some people out there that were disappointed, I have a confession to make. After hearing some of the vile, incendiary comments he made, I made a quick decision that I don't regret.
[Magnus points up to the LGPWFtron, and suddenly, a picture appears. It's the Ayatollah!]
[The crowd goes into a full-blown frenzy. Almost immediately, chants of U-S-A rise to a deafening level. Ronaldus Magnus stands there, graciously letting the fans get it all out]
Magnus: Dear fans of the LGPWF...I made an executive decision. As of Monday, May 28th at 12:30 PM, the Ayatollah is now the newest inmate at United States Naval Station Guantanamo Bay!!!!!!
[The crowd absolutely loses it. They are screaming U-S-A, and there are some people that brought American flags along that are waving them proudly. This goes on for several minutes. Finally, Magnus politely raises his hand again]
Magnus: I want you all to know, that this is going to be the first act in what is going to be a very, very active career in the LGPWF. You are all the heart and soul of this business, and I pledge to each and every one of you that I will stand for family values, American liberty, freedom, and this incredible country.
[The crowd starts to cheer, but he cuts them off]
Magnus: Oh, and lest I forget, I will be putting my boot in the ass of every single wrestler back there in the locker room, Republican or Democrat!
[The crowd is totally eating it up at this point, and he laughs and waves to them. ]
Magnus: Look forward to bringing glory to the LGPWF, and standing up for America. God bless all of you, and God Bless America!!!!
[Magnus salutes and walks off as the crowd chants mightily: USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!]
Jim Ross: Wow, King. That guy didn’t even really need a justification for doing what he did to the Ayatollah. He just walked all over the man’s civil liberties and sent him to Gitmo.
Jerry Lawler: That would never fly in a non-corrupt organization [he says tongue-in-cheek]
Jim Ross: I don’t know what we are insinuating, but lets move on before we get waterboarded. The next ord…
[Pantera’s “Walk” begins to bellow as the crowd begins to hiss and boo. The commissioner, Canaan, followed by his henchman come out from behind the LGPWF-tron and stands at the top of the runway with a conceited set of grins on their faces]
Canaan: Listen to you idiots whining like a bunch of ingrates. This reminds me of being back in Pittsburgh, but smellier.
[The crowds fury rages, the henchmen exchange chortles and high fives]
Canaan: Anyways, you pukes, I’m here to announce the first of next week’s first official fight card that will take place in this very arena. I’d say that we appreciate you guys coming to the arena tonight for the title ceremony and other stuff we have planned, but, against my wishes, we made this a free event. That being said, if you tubs of lard don’t swipe that EBT card at least 2 or 3 times tonight, you are even more worthless than originally thought.
[The arena goes black. An orange pulsing light blinks on the LGPWFtron and the crowd’s boos turn to a deafening roar. “BUL-LY! BUL-LY! BUL-LY”. The lights come back on and the commissioner is the only one standing on the runway and he looks terrified]
Canaan: ENOUGH. ENOUGH GOD DAMNIT! THIS ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. ESPECIALLY NOT HERE! WE PREPARED FOR THIS!
[The commissioner runs backstage]
Jim Ross: MY GOD, KING. This Bully fella has that pompous jerk in a tizzy—its incredible.
Jerry Lawler: If you ask me, he’s ruining what is supposed to be a special event for the LGPWF.
[An official leaves a note on the announcer’s table and scurries off]
Jim Ross: Well, uh, we have an announcement to make. The regularly scheduled fight card presentation that was supposed to be done by the commissioner right there, will now be just read aloud do you by myself and the King.
Jerry Lawler: Can you blame him, JR? With that psychopath running around? I know I don’t!
Jim Ross: Don’t be such a baby, King. The Fight Card for next Monday’s first show will be as follows:
Jerry Lawler: The commissioner has really liked what he saw from Johnny Zontal, Morkle Munson, and Sean Styles so we will be having a #1 Contender’s match in an epic three-way fashion..but not the epic three-ways you’re thinking of, JR.
Jim Ross: King, you are despicable.
Jerry Lawler: I know. Aint it great!
Jim Ross: Moving on, we will have the debut of Ronaldus Magnus as he takes on Some Handsome Ass Dude.
Jerry Lawler: The Bridge will also be in action as he takes on the enigma Zane A. Sylum in a non-title defense.
Jim Ross: That should be a good battle. I don’t expect that to go down without any surprises.
Jerry Lawler: And in our main event, We have a special treat for you all. In the very first LGPWF Hardcore Championship match, we have the cryptic Stargazer taking on the equally unnerving OB GYN Kenobi what should be a bloody affair. That is one heck of an opening night’s card, JR!
Jim Ross: You’re telling me, King.
[Pantera’s “Walk” plays and Canaan’s henchmen come out to the ring where the LGPWF World Championship Title is in a display case centered in the ring. The imp of the bunch, Minimum Talbeaux, looks visibly distraught, and the others have an uneasy look about them as well.]
Jay Tee Ohhargh: Lissen up, ya chumps. Boss man cant make it cuz dat jerkweed Bully fella cheapshotted us earlier in the night and boss man says we wasn’t worf our weight in dog turds.
[the crowd begins to laugh at the henchmen]
JT: Shut it, ya jerks. Anywho’s, were supposed to come out heey and present Da Bridge wif dis title belt. Boss man says to cheap shot duh bridge guy after we give him da title.
[Minimum Talbeaux motions for JT to lean over so he can say something in his ear]
JT: Oh, Mini pad over hee says dat I shouldn’t have said dat out loud. Ims not too good with memories stuff. Sorry bout that.
[The Crowd begins to chant G.E.D! G.E.D.! G.E.D.!]
JT: I don’t get it. What’s “’JED” mean? (long pause) Anywho’s…Bridge guy, come out heee and get the title belt, naw mean?
[The Lights go out in the arena. Bruce Springsteen’s “The River” wakes the crowd into a frenzy. The LGPWFtron shows highlights from the Wrestle Revolution and when the final pinfall takes place, The in-house fireworks spray an epic display. The Bridge, carrying his sledgehammer, jumps out of the trap door in the runway floor and the pop from the crowd is electric. He has a stearn look on his face as he makes his way to the ring. He cautiously enters the ring and the henchmen stand huddled in one corner as the Bridge grabs a mic from the ring floor]
The Bridge: I am…
[The henchmen go to attack the bridge, but are quickly eliminated by a few easy swings of the sledgehammer. The crowd is at a fever pitch. He swings one final blow into the glass display case that shatters completely. The Bridge drops the sledge, picks up the title belt and stares at it. He turns to the crowd, smiles and continues]
The Bridge: Your World Heavyweight Champion!
[He runs to the corner turnbuckle and raises the title with both hands above his head as Springsteen blares once more.
Jim Ross: There he is, Ladies and Gentlemen. Your first LGPWF world champion—The Bridge. We look forward to seeing a full line up for next week as well as the first Hardcore title match as well. The Commissioner must have really been impressed with the weaponry Stargazer chose in the hornet’s nest and cant wait to see the violence take place then!
Jerry Lawler: JR, I have word from the LGPWFinsider that The Bully will be making his debut next week as well, so we’ll see if that guy knows what he’s talking about or not. It should be an incredible first fight night on Monday Night Showdown.
Johnny Zontal v. The Firm v. Sean Styles in a #1 Contender’s Match (Winner is guaranteed LGPWF World Title shot at PPV)
Magnus v. S.H.A.D.
Zane A. Sylum v. The Bridge (non-title bout)
Stargazer v. Ob Gyn Kenobi (LGPWF Hardcore Championship Match)
We may have another match added (TBD)