Friday Discussion - Getting Married Young

[pittsoccer33]

So, I'm trying to come to terms with what being single approaching my 30s means.

By the end of 2012 nine of my ten best friends from college (and the guys I still stayed close to afterward) will either be married or engaged. Many have moved to other cities - and thats ok, weekend trips to NYC, Chicago, and DC have been a blast. But they're happening less and less now.

The lone friend of mine that's single is my normal wingman, but the list of places to go out and meet people our age is pretty minimal. The clubs like Villa, Diesel, and Whim - the sorts of places we met a lot of people at during and right after college - are all filled with people seven or eight years younger than us. We still have fun if we go there but it won't be too long until we look ridiculously out of place in a spot like that.

I moved to Shadyside thinking it would be a good place to meet people slightly older than college, but any time we go to spots like Shady Grove or Mardi Gras the girls there all have rocks on their fingers.

It seems like a lot of the clique (there is no clique?) is a few years younger than me and you're all wifed up just like my friends. A buddy has a theory for this - that it's a midwestern kind of idea, starting a family young. Even in my late 20s I'm still figuring out what I believe about the things that would be really important to having a family - career, religion, place to live, etc. There's no way I could permanently tie others into my life with these things in flux.

I've been looking for opportunities to join groups - political and volunteer - hoping to make some new friends. Its just sort of a weird stage, one where people are content to shrink their circle of friends and give up their free time.

[blackjack68]

It will happen when it's right. Bars are not usually the best place to meet a wife. I think you are right in looking for other groups that you have an interest in so that you meet people with similar interests. I got married at 29the and have been happy for 15 years. Few friends got married earlier and some are already divorced.

[canaan]

I got married at 27 and im 29 with my first on the way. I went at my pace and didnt have a problem with waiting til my late 20's to get wife'd up. People get married in their early twenties and I have no qualms about their dedication to the marriage any more than someone my age or older that does the same thing. Its funny that we as a collective think that 18-24 is early to get married whereas 100+ years ago, that was considered not that way.

In regards to shrinking the circle of friends, its a natural progression after college, which is primarily one big social function--you are defined by your study groups, social groups, dorm friends, etc. After college, you make you the focus of your life even more in terms of a place to live, a career, etc. There is definitely a transition phase that cuts down on the people you talk to, but provides opportunities to meet new people--which is vital, imo.

Its not about living up to some predicated social more, but being comfortable in your own skin and your own circle of influence. the rest is just noise. dont be judged, rushed, or motivated into a concept/contract you arent ready for and dont try to talk yourself into it. when its right, its right.

[Eismann]

You also should be moving into the 'I have this friend...' territory where your married friends will be linking you with other similarly-situated people in their sphere (work, relatives, etc.), and that's not a bad thing. Plus, making new friends with married folk (at club, sports, whatev) is a good way to grease that referral engine. Join some clubs, do some new sports.

[shafnutz05]

Agree with canaan. When I turned 22, I was pretty sure I was going to be a bachelor for a long time. By the time I turned 23, I was reasonably certain (and correct) that I was dating my future wife.

Even some of my more freewheeling friends are getting girlfriended/babied up right now, but that's just a product of me turning 30 next year.

[meow]

Get a dog

[KennyTheKangaroo]

kenny the kangaroo's theory has always been that once you are out of high school, you make as many friends and you truly want to make. if you are serious about making new friends, you'll find ways to do it. it sounds like you are geniuine about expanding your horizons, and you arent just giving lip service to trying new things. many people are so wishy washy about losing friends to marriage and kids. if you truly want to remain social, you can find ways.

[canaan]

You also should be moving into the 'I have this friend...' territory where your married friends will be linking you with other similarly-situated people in their sphere (work, relatives, etc.), and that's not a bad thing. Plus, making new friends with married folk (at club, sports, whatev) is a good way to grease that referral engine. Join some clubs, do some new sports.

"networking for booty"

[Rocco]

If canaan can find someone to marry him, then anyone can get married.

[canaan]

If canaan can find someone to marry him, then anyone can get married.

truf.

[KennyTheKangaroo]

Get a dog

kenny the kangaroo thought that was a great idea, then made the choice of adopting a colassal a-hole for a dog. she loves her owner, but the rest of the world....not so much.

[pittsoccer33]

Get a dog

lol I'd rather have a wife!

many people are so wishy washy about losing friends to marriage and kids. if you truly want to remain social, you can find ways.

i agree with you. my whole life I was involved in "groups" - boy scouts, wind ensemble, student government, show choir, fraternity, business student council. my circle of friends always evolved out that.

now it's just a matter of finding some to get involved with. i've to a number of meetings for a local republican committee and i'm sure this fall i will be even more involved with that. i just need to find some things that im passionate about and can get something out of beyond simply meeting people.

[Juice]

join your local high school AV club

[newarenanow]

I got married when I was 28. Started dating my wife when I was 25. Most of my friends that I am very close with got married around 25-26.

Personally, I don't think there is any "right" age to get married. Different people have different paths in life. I do think a ton of people get married for the wrong reasons at many different ages, whether it's 18 or 50. When the time is right, you will know.

But what you said is true. In high school and college, and even the 2 or 3 years after, I would go out most nights and not have a problem finding people to hang out with. In fact, I think I had too many people to hang out with. We'd go to clubs and bars in the southside and the strip district. And then when I got to my mid 20s, found my future wife, started dating her, my college friends were getting married, spent more time with them because we had a lot in common, and started losing touch with a lot of other friends.

Fast forward 10 years later, I'm married have one kid, and another on the way. I have a close group of friends all in a similar situation that we hang out with, rarely go to the bars mainly because of daddy duty and a busy work life, and about 75% of my friends from a decade ago I barely even talk to. Maybe run in from time to time, or see each other once a year, but you lose touch, go seperate ways.

It's just life.

As for if you want to meet people, I think you are on the right track joining different groups/clubs. I think you have a much better shot at finding someone there than at a bar. But then again, you might find that future someone at a bar!

[pittsoccer33]

If canaan can find someone to marry him, then anyone can get married.

truf.

I don't even want to get married, or have a girlfriend even.

I wouldn't mind having several, but after a trial run of it this spring facebook seems to make it next to impossible without having your profile completely locked down.

[Pavel Bure]

Getting married in Nov. gonna be 28. It's time.

[Froggy]

I spent pretty much my entire 20's with one girl. If I never felt like marrying her, probably not gonna happen. But that was probably more an issue of spending 7 years with someone I kinda hated rather than me being against marriage

[mac5155]

Me and the fiancee have been dating since she was 16 and I was 18. I'm 24 now and we're getting married next year. I think I missed out on a lot of stuff but we made it through college together so I guess that made us stronger. But, her friends are my friends and my friends are her friends. It's not like we don't go out and have fun because (as you guys are aware ) I have my fun. I thought in HS that I'd be single all my life and living with my parents. Now I'm the first of my truly close friends to get married. (unless someone heads to vegas between now and 6/22/13)

[60sixx]

I'm 36, female, not married. Been with Metz 9 years next month. No desire to have kids really. When I was in my 20s, I thought I HAD to be married by 25. Now it's not a big deal. I like having the freedom to do what I want, in that I'm not saddled with kids and the bills that come along with them. It's nice to have someone to enjoy life with, and I'm past that point where I need that piece of paper to make it O-fficial.

I do have to say, if he ever wises up and leaves, I'm screwed. There really aren't any good places to meet people (dating or friends) these days. Bars are a complete joke in Pgh if you ask me....too many **** people. I've made new friends through work and hockey....some in grad school. The sad fact is, at this point, I don't really have TIME to have a social life. Between work and school....when I do have free time, I'm too tired to do anything. Makes me feel old.

[pressure=9Pa]

I met my wife when I was 20 and in college. She graduated 2 years before I did, and moved 2 hours away so we did the long distance thing for 3 years. I got married at 24, and was basically in the middle of my pack of friends to get married. While I would absolutely do the same thing if I had it over again, I do wonder if I missed out on something from 25-28, ie the beer commercial life. I basically had the ideal 30 year old's life at 25 - married, owned a decent home, both my wife and I had very stable employment. We did wait 6 years after being married to have a child, which I think helped. I'm not sure I could have given up that much freedom at 26 or 27.

To bring it back to the OP, when you're in the 25-31 range, I think every married male would reccomend getting married at 31, and every single guy would reccomend 25, but most would add, "But it worked out for me". I also imagine that by the time I'm 50, I won't recognize the difference between 25 and 31 anyway.

[Rylan]

Mac is a cradle rocker


A good many of my friends are actually already married

[mac5155]

As far as kids go.. I think 30 is a decent age to start. No way am I ready for kids yet. 30 seems right though.. that way you're not the oldest parent at their graduation but can still have fun with them when they are growing up.

[mac5155]

Mac is a cradle rocker


A good many of my friends are actually already married

lol. its kind of a funny story actually. She had a huge crush on my best friend. My best friend really liked her best friend. So, he hooked me up with her, then he went with her friend. HEr friend went psycho like 3 months later and we're still together 6 years later.

[cheesesteakwithegg]

Met my wife when I was 25 (she was 27), and we got married when we were 29 and 31 respectively. I lived with the same group of guys from the time I was 21-26, and they always had a serious girlfriend the entire time we lived together. There was a point where I thought I was going to be single forever. Every time I was out on a mission to meet a girl, those relationships never panned out. And when I wasn't trying, I met my wife. Things just work out that way IMO.

I am glad that I got married when I did because at the point my wife and I started dating, we both had good jobs, so we were able to do a lot of nice things / go a lot of nice places / etc because we weren't buying a house, planning a wedding, starting a family etc.

We had our daughter 3 days after our 1 year wedding anniversary, so we didn't have much time to enjoy married life without kids. However, I feel that we made up for that in our late 20's because we lived together for 2.5 out of the 4 years we dated before we got married.

[viva la ben]

It's amusing how many of my friends I've reconnected with mirror my life events.
I'm talking about getting married ~ 30-33 and having kids ~35-38.
No way I was ready to commit to marriage in my 20's.