Starting my Big Boy Job

[Sam's Drunk Dog]

Yep. Thanksgiving will probably be your first opportunity

[DocEmrick]

With Obamacare and the state of the economy, expect low pay if you're entering the private sector.

[BigMcK]

Park in your bosses parking stall. When told to move, comment on how the boss has taste in quality vehicles and that you, too, are going to work extra hard for the company since they reward their 'key' people so well.

If you drive a better car than the boss, park far away and never mention cars in conversation with the boss.

[Azkar]

Pick a fight with the toughest looking guy so no one will think you're an easy target

[JeffDFD]

Save all of the bar soap...smush it together and shave it into a shiv

[Azkar]

Save all of the bar soap...smush it together and shave it into a shiv

Is that considered stealing?

[FreeCandy44]

Always shoot rubberbands and paperclips at those smaller then you.

[Lt. Dish]

Switch the rich, Colombian coffee they have in the breakroom with Folger's Crystals. See if anyone knows the difference.



(x-ref with 1980s thread)

[Lt. Dish]

Save all of the bar soap...smush it together and shave it into a shiv

Is that considered stealing?

At fast-food restaurants, yes. At work, it's taking what's rightfully yours in your never-ending fight against The Man.

[Lt. Dish]

Always shoot rubberbands and paperclips at those smaller then you.

Better yet, take initiative and build a shooting device. Employers appreciate unsolicited demonstrations of innovativeness and resourcefulness.

Which reminds me: When no one else steps forward and there's no time to lose, you be the one to volunteer to diffuse the bomb. Just stay cool and follow the directions authorities give you over the phone.

[Tico Rick]

Based on Lt. Dish's posts in this thread, I'm thinking her job experience is similar to what you would see in a James Bond movie.

[rasbatch]

Begin your office doomsday prep kit immediately for you know not the hour.

[Lt. Dish]

Based on Lt. Dish's posts in this thread, I'm thinking her job experience is similar to what you would see in a James Bond movie.

CTU's messing with the pension plan.

[Steve]

You should have already covered this in your job inteview - but just in case you haven’t, make sure to ask your boss if the company ever presses charges against its employees.

(loved that Steven Write joke)

also - for additional job security, hang/pin many news articles in your office or cubicle, about people who go crazy and seek revenge after getting fired.

[Steve]

Also - every office has a few clowns who play practical jokes on each other. Discretely find out who these people are, and pick one and chump them with your own practical joke.

I did this once on my 2nd week on the job - no one ever suspects the new guy, but it only works if there's a history of some other jokers. It started a pretty good war in there haha.

[mac5155]

be warned you will be involved in the war as soon as you do though. Also if your joke involves over 4 packs of post-it notes make nice with the secretary and buy her another pack.

[ville5]

Make an extra large batch of hashish brownies and place in the break room 1st thing in the morning. Covertly of course. Then sit back and enjoy.

[Admin]

Strong cologne and lots of it.

[Lt. Dish]

Make an extra large batch of hashish brownies and place in the break room 1st thing in the morning. Covertly of course. Then sit back and enjoy.

[Eismann]

Light yourselve on fire in a conference room, then politely ask "is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

[FreeCandy44]

Follow this to a T.

[Tico Rick]

^^^ I was going to say, DON'T do an Al Roker at the White House.

[ville5]

Superglue everything on your boss' desk to his desk.

[Steve]

haha - did you get any serious answers, or just clown answers? (like mine).

My serious advice on just a couple of topics, is that you need to have a good attitude. I realize at times this may be easier said than done. There will be a bunch of folks in the office who complain about everything and everyone - don't get sucked into that. You're new on the job - you're going to get screwed, the sooner you realize and accept this, the better haha. Suck it up until the next batch of kids arrive, and then you can be the screwer instead of the screwee. Stand up for yourself when needed of course, but pick your battles and don't get sucked into that negative stuff like so many others seem to do.

Also, make sure you communicate well, especially in emails. No "text talk" in emails. Right or wrong, people will judge you if they see a "UR" "imma" "cuz" etc in emails. Many of your emails will be forwarded, and many people respond to emails by cc'ing everyone. Double check every email before you send it, because once you send it, you can't get it back. (I don't think the recall feature ever works).

I think my favorite response in this thread was knowing the difference between the #1 and #2 bathroom.

[Steve]

be warned you will be involved in the war as soon as you do though. Also if your joke involves over 4 packs of post-it notes make nice with the secretary and buy her another pack.

No one knew it was me. I got dragged into other wars, but not that one. A few years later, my then ex-boss joined my hockey team, he was the chumpee in this prank. I told him about it and he laughed, he thought all along it was another co-worker clown.

And in most cases, it's usually a good idea to make nice with the secretary.