LGPWF *BREAKING NEWS* 5/24/12

[canaan]

PITTSBURGH, PA (AP) -- LGPWF Commissioner Canaan released a statement this morning in regards to a botched press conference earlier in the week. The letter is as follows:

Dear Fans of the LGPWF,

We began this federation with a yearning for a true sport wrestling experience, not based on t-shirt sales and stale ideas. We came with the best intentions and a Bully had to throw our inaugural address into a tizzy. We will prevail over these antics and will provide a quality sports product The wrestling world depends on us. The incidents of this bully and of the inside informer on twitter, known as @LGPWF_insider, will be found and dealt with.

That being said, I am going to announce that our first show will be on May 30th, 2012. This Wrestling Revolution event will be a lead-in for the upcoming June 4th Monday Night Showdown. We will have 1 event--A Royal Rumble-style event that will determine the LGPWF's first World Heavyweight Champion. The rules of the event are standard, over-the-top and you are eliminated kind of affair, until there are 2 participants remaining. At that time, there will only be a victor by pinfall or submission. The victor must be the last man standing. I will act as the referee for this event to make sure the match is called the way the Federation wants it to be called--the right way.

At this time, I will be listing the active participants in this Last Man Standing event. They are as follows and are in the order in which they are to be announced into the ring. I have added some of my henchmen to the games to make sure the participants are truly tested and capable of leading this Federation as champion.

1. Zane A. Sylum
2. Abraham Jabroniwitz
3. Ob Gyn Kenobi
4. Jay Tee Oharrgh
5. The Bridge
6. Morkle "The Firm" Munson
7. Minimum Talbeaux
8. Stargazer
9. Johnny Zontal
10. Sean "Too Sexy" Styles
11. Some. Handsome. Ass. Dude.
12. The Ayatollah
See you Wednesday, folks.


__________________________________________________

FAQ: well, okay? how do i win?

For this event, you will have to cut a promo (at most 1x/day). You dont really know anything about these people besides their name so you are going to have to promote yourself more than anything else. You can make your promos as long or as short as you'd like. You can be anywhere and do anything (board friendly). use italicized, bracketed text to separate your scene drawing/direction from your speech and the speech of whoever else is in your scene. DO NOT use other wrestlers in your scenes unless you have their permission and it is PM'ed to me by both parties prior to doing so. If you are planning to gang up as a team, please PM me ahead of wednesday so it can be written into the storyline. If you have a catch phrase, use it. If you want to be the shadow in a dark basement, make sure you get across what is going on. PAINT THE PICTURE. let everybody know who you are, what your intentions are, etc. Be Creative. DONT FORGET THAT YOU CAN INCLUDE YOUTUBE, COLORED TEXT, ETC TO MAKE YOUR PROMOS STAND OUT.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM or ask in this thread. You can start your promos today. POST THEM ONLY IN THIS THREAD AS I WILL ONLY BE JUDGING THE POSTS IN THIS THREAD.

edited for logo
edit2: missed a wrestler

[Froggy]

{a man is jumping on a moonbounce. he is dressed in ridiculous black and yellow horizontal striped wrestling tights with suspender straps.}

Oh, Hello. I was so busy training for the big upcoming battle royale at my facility here, that i didn't notice you there. At the risk of sounding like Humpty Hump, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Johnny Zontal. And you might look at me here and make the assumption that I am not taking this seriously. I don't think that's fair... I just really like what i do. If you don't, then what's the point of doing it? I love a good joke, and i love to laugh. I also think that kicking people in the face and dropping them on their heads is HILARIOUS, but humor is so subjective. One thing that would make me really happy is to share a joke with all my opponents in the championship rumble. But i don't think your ribs can be tickled if they're bruised, and i know for a fact that it's hard to laugh with a mouth full of broken teeth.

This isn't some grand statement. that comes later. This is just the set-up. I'll leave you waiting for the punchline. And when my hand is raised, and that belt is fastened around my waist, I WILL have the last laugh.

[steve784]

COMING SOON:

[youtube][/youtube]

[Malkamaniac]

{a man dressed in a shirt and tie sits quietly typing at the computer and then slowly turns around to face the camera, presumably, The Firm}

First, let me introduce myself. I'm Morkle Munson but most people around the office just refer to me as The Firm. You see, I've dedicated my life to bringing viruses and hackers to their knees. LGPWF has hired me to oversee the security department and find out who this jackwagon @LGPWF_insider is. You might be thinking that a person dressed this sharp must get paid handsomely by the LGPWF, in fact that's far from the truth. I've just requested that they pay me in wrestling matches so I can eradicate this wrestling scum that's rotting the societies brain.

I've worked my entire life to clean up this internet, and now I've been hired to do the same to the LGPWF.

Because like they always say {morkle munson looks back at the computer and slowly faces back to the camera}, The Firm's Trojan Virus isn't just a lady killer.

[canaan]

There is a new LGP'er that will be playing the role of Zane A. Sylum if you guys are wondering who the heck the guy is. He is a friend of mine.

[newarenanow]

{an awesome looking dude with a white glove and jerry curl hair walks onto a stage}

I'm Some. Handsome. Ass. Dude.

{grabs crotch, goes up onto toes, screams a high pitch scream, spins}

Enough said, beaoch.

{moonwalks off stage}

[Froggy]

[non promo] wow, that is not who i thought S.H.A.D. was...[/non promo]

[Corvidae]

{There's a man standing in a dark room dressed in a cloak with a hood over his head. The room is dark and silent.}

{...}

I am Ob-Gyn Kenobi. In spite of my name and to the great shame of my clan, I have become a urologist. I must regain their respect by becoming Champion of the LGPWF.

{Pause}

Maybe THESE are the roids you're looking for!
{He turns around and lifts his robe, reveling an ass riddled with pimples and hemorrhoids.}

{He turns back around, hood off, revealing a older man with a white beard and splash goggles.}

If it doesn't burn when you pee...

{The glow of a his light blue light sabre, "Lindy" slowly rises from the bottom of the screen}

...it will.

{He swipes at the camera and the connection is lost.}

[shafnutz05]

So typical of your fat, redneck country. Most conveniently, the only PROUD competitor of Arab descent was intentionally left off the opening match roster. Why, you ask? Your population of brainwashed masses fears greatness. They fear the unknown. For years, I have been preparing for my chance in the LGPWF with a strict fitness regimen as part of my Revolutionary Guard training. <pauses> Don't worry, I won't ask any of you what I'm referring to. I would have better luck asking where the nearest Chick-Fil-A is, no? Hahaha!

Take heed...I am not here as a temporary guest. No, I will be taking the LGPWF by storm. Look at this pathetic group of losers. Morkle Munson, Johnny Zontal....I would expect nothing else from the land of overweight slobs, lying around like sultans watching your disgusting movies and pornography. Soon, when I strap that LGPWF belt around my waist, I will show the Americans how a REAL competitor performs. وسوف أكون أعظم مصارع أي وقت مضى!!! Long live the Ayatollah, and long live the Republic of Iran!

[Sam's Drunk Dog]

The setting is inside an abandoned industrial building. A hole in the ceiling lets in the only light from a dreary and overcast sky. Water trickles in and forms puddles on the cracked cemet floor that is covered in rusted steel and broken glass. The song "The River" by Bruce Springsteen starts playing faintly.

[youtube][/youtube]

Out from the shadows steps a tall muscular man wearing beat up old steel toe work boots and old dirty and stained Carhartt overalls. The man wears a gray and dark red hard hart and is carrying a sledgehammer. You can't see his face but you can tell he has long greasy black hair and an untrimmed salt and pepper colored beard.

Time, time is cruel. Little by little, day by day, time ticks away. It steals our breaths and eats at our soul. It slowly destroys everything in it pass. Steel turns to rust. Great empires collapse. Men turn to dust.

(His voice begins to rise, each sentence louder than the other) At one time, America was the Industrial capital of the world, and Western PA was its capital. In buildings such as this one, hard working immigrants worked to make better lives for their families. They forged the steel that made this country great. The steel that built skyscrapers that soared to new found heights. That built bridges that spanned rivers and connected continents. That built tanks and planes that liberated the world from brutual oppression! That rebuilt the world!

(Spoken softly) And how did the world repay us? (Now in an almost full scream) By driving us out of work! By shutting the mills, and putting hard working men like myself in the unemployment line! Well it's payback time! And I'm going to start by putting steel to asses of all the bastards that have done me wrong. All of my enemies better get out of my way, because YOU DON'T CROSS THE BRIDGE!

[redwill]

Spoiler:

[youtube][/youtube]

Horrific caterwauling on the harmonica. Hweeeeee! Weeeeeeeee! Wee! HWEEEE!!! WEEEE!! Hweeeee!!!

But what do you expect from Huey Lewis and the E Street Band?

[Twisted Wrister]

(posting from phone will edit later)

Ladies and hot ladies, I'd like to introduce you to the sexiest man on the planet. Well that would be infact me, Sean Styles, and I am toooooo sexy for just any wrestling promotion, just the lgpwf. I come here to one thing. Haha who am I kidding? Two things, one win that world title AND walk outside this building with every fine piece of hot, sexy women's number. (one woman throws a pair of loosely called underwear)

Now gentlemen, don't fear my how to guide called "Be too sexy" comes out this fall. So when you say you wanna be like me you can.

As for you other wrestlers and I say that while holding back my vomit, when you feel my boot to your face for the first time. YOU (crowd chants you. You. You.) will always remember that first time you got beat by too sexy.

[canaan]

you guys are supposed to promo more than once, ya know?

[shafnutz05]

[youtube][/youtube]

FANS AND COMPETITORS OF THE LGPWF, PREPARE YOURSELVES. A GLORIOUS REVOLUTION IS COMING, AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ANY OF YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT. LONG LIVE THE AYATOLLAH, AND LONG LIVE THE REPUBLIC OF IRAN!

[Froggy]

(standing in front of an 80's style green screen backdrop of horizontal stripes)
Since my appearance last week, I've been getting a lot of questions from the youngsters out there. Questions like, "aren't you too old to play on a moonbounce?", or "Don't you have a job? why are you at a playground at 2:00 on a tuesday afternoon?" But I've also gotten a lot of questions about the big match coming up. This one weird looking kid... I think his name was Melvin, or something... 2 strikes right there, he asked me, "Mr. Zontal, are you scared?" and it got me thinking...

Am I scared? by all accounts I should be. I'm going up agains some of the best in the world. 11 other guys almost as hungry and dangerous as I am. I mean, the odds aren't really in my favor. Anything can happen in a match like this. And that's what I love about it. I love the surprises... I love the chaos... I love the unexpected nature of it all. I can't wait to see who the poor soul is who gets thrown out first, and I'll be the first one to congratulate the lucky runner up after i pin him in the middle of the ring. So, am I scared? no, not really.

As far as little Melvin, or Marvin, or whatever... I hope he's watching this, and i hope he tunes in wednesday to see his, and everyone else's favorite wrestler come out on top. I'll even invite the little goblin to the after party. we're going to have balloons, and a giant cake shaped like my title belt. Maybe a chocolate fountain... i don't know all the details yet.

So, a recap... Little Melvin... not scared... title belt... chocolate fountain. i think that says it all, don't you?

[Malkamaniac]

[sitting in a lawyer's office]

Oh hello, we here at the LGPWF security office work diligently in order to see if we should take threats against The Firm and the LGPWF seriously. The one previously laid out by Zoltan has piqued our interest and feel that it's a threat we shouldn't even be talking about. Most of the time these blips hit our radar and are gone just as fast as they arrive.

I suppose you could say being in a position of power is one that's rife with advantages compared to the other lowly wrestlers here. Zoltan should be feeling the heat with a few lawyer reinforced letters ordered to stop him from embarrassing himself in the future. If he can't figure out how much trouble he's in by the stern phrasing of the letters, I suppose I'll have to discipline him using strange and unusual punishments made to break the will of anyone who's looking to cause trouble here. Either way, I'm going to put a stop to this thuggery to keep LGPWF a safe environment for all wrestlers and fans looking to enjoy a nice night out away from the trash in this world.

Of course, I'm not opposed to taking that trash out in front of them. Every once in awhile the crowd needs to see just how pathetic the "renegades" are.

[slowly turns back to his corporate lackeys who are typing up what looks to be legal documents, except they're being typed out on colored construction paper]

[Sam's Drunk Dog]

The setting is the Ambridge-Aliquippa Bridge. The sky is cloudly and a faint rain is falling. The Bridge stands on the pedestrian walkway at the crest of the bridge. He is wearing the same attire as in the previous promo. He is carrying a sledgehammer, with it rested on his right shoulder. The song "The River" by Bruce Springsteen starts playing faintly, and The Bridge begins to speak.

They say time flows like a river. And that rivers are symbols of hope, and water is a symbol of renewal.

When I was laid off, my life was crushed. My wife soon left me because I couldn't pay our bills any longer. I lost my home, and wound up moving under this bridge. I started drinking heavily, and one night I found myself standing in this very spot.

I was considering ending it all. Everything was gone. As I looked into the brown murky water, I had a vision. I saw myself as a wrestler. Not just any wrestler, but a champion. The best in the world. The water had renewed my once lost hope.

I started training right away, and decided to name myself after my new home. Time passed and after many long years and months of training, I am now on the verge of making my vision reality. Many a man has already felt the sting of my steel-toed boot on their ass. And no one else is going to get in the way, because YOU DON'T CROSS THE BRIDGE!

[newarenanow]

{walks up to the stage naked}

I'm going to eat your face off

{walks off stage}

[Twisted Wrister]

(Lays on the beach with plenty of beautiful women around)

Man, this is the life. I have it all the babes, the physique, and the money. But, you know what? There is something I don't have, something I have been hustling and working hard for my whole life. That is the LGPWF World Championship. And on May 30th, 2012 there are 11 other men in my way to something I have worked too many hours and too many reps in the gym to look this good and be too sexy. I do it for me, but I also do it for the fans. Yes, YOU.

[redwill]

{The God-like voice of Don LaFontaine (RIP) booms into a darkened arena}


In a world of loneliness, isolation, desolation, and despair,

where you struggle just to end each day,

where you look to the sky and see only hopeless dreams and helpless infinity,


ONE MAN fights for you.


STARGAZER


Oh! The heavens rumble.

The sky stabs you in the eye.

The vastness of the universe presses you into the dirt from which you came.


The world has deserted you.


You were promised a garden.

A land of milk and honey.

A land of freedom and justice.

A land with no horizon.

An awe-inspiring universe of magic.


And it was snatched from your grasp.


Stolen.


Take it back.


Look to the stars!

[Twisted Wrister]

(Camera pans to Styles running on the beach, out of breath)

Today, is the day kids. The day when dreams come true for me, and shatter for these 11 other men. TODAY, is mine.

(Camera pans out to Styles finishing his run.)

[Malkamaniac]

(Lays on the beach with plenty of beautiful women around)

Man, this is the life. I have it all the babes, the physique, and the money. But, you know what? There is something I don't have, something I have been hustling and working hard for my whole life. That is the LGPWF World Championship. And on May 30th, 2012 there are 11 other men in my way to something I have worked too many hours and too many reps in the gym to look this good and be too sexy. I do it for me, but I also do it for the fans. Yes, YOU.

[The Firm watches this video promo in disgust making comments as it continues]

WHO APPROVED THIS RUBBISH? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT AND THIS ISN'T FAMILY ORIENTED.

[The Firm breaks the TV by throwing it against a wall]

[canaan]

deadline will be 3:00 PM

[newarenanow]

deadline will be 3:00 PM

SHUT YOUR FACE BEFORE I EAT IT.

[Corvidae]

{Obi-Gyn Kenobi sits silently in the dark, featureless room. He suddenly grabs his head and trashes about with rage. He falls over.}

{...}

{He jumps up and looks close into the camera, face now blue with spikes on his head.}

I am Darth Baul! In spite of my name and to the great shame of my clan, I have become an OBGYN. I must regain their respect by becoming Champion of the LGPWF.

{Pause}

I AM A CYST LORD!

{He swipes at the camera with his double red light sabre and the connection is lost.}